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Scorch the Teenaged Dragon
An Autobiography 

“I can’t go into all of the details, but Scorch is the most difficult character that I’ve ever worked with…”
- Ronn Lucas

scorch

[As Told To A Reporter Of ‘Lizard Monthly’]

A hearty “Dude!” and greetings to my fellow reptiles! I’m proud to represent! My name is Scorch. I am son of Singe and Carmen and heir to the noble Dragon name of Smogblartt. I am the youngest member of the oldest reptile race on Earth: the Dragons. My species goes back to the dawn of time. How we came to be immortal is our secret, but my people lived peacefully with all other earth's species for hundreds of thousands of years. However, over time Dragons and ‘humans’ eventually clashed. Maybe we clashed because we were wearing the same outfits, but mostly we clashed over living space and air quality. We were immortal right up until the moment that some humorless, hairless ape stuck a steel sword into us. Bummer.
 
We fought back, … yeah but like, only a little. Ok, we could’ve fought back a lot, but we didn’t want to live with the guilt of totally eradicating the entire human species (and we had the power to bust some serious cap on their tailless tails, I’m telling you). So in the human year 1186 we flew to a family council meeting (which also doubled as a Dragon’s-Gone-Wild spring break in Cabo) and our Dragon elders came up with a surprisingly terrific old-school solution of how to deal with the pesky and quick-breeding humans. Our solution was this: all Dragons would go into a long hibernation. We would sleep in unison for one thousand years. Our theory was that the hurtful humans would eventually overpopulate and self-destruct. They would be gone from the face of Mother Earth long before we opened our eyes again. We had seen the same thing happen to our distant cousins the dinosaurs, and we were betting it was could even happen faster if we just left humanity to itself!

With our meeting over, we rose up into the sky and spread out all over the planet (I landed in what would eventually become California) and using all of our mystical Dragon powers, we burrowed into the earth, closed our eyes, and gang-napped in magical slumber. Unfortunately for me, I woke up early. I dozed for 800 years, not 1,000. You see, I didn’t know I was sleeping in an earthquake zone! I was roused 200 years too early, thanks to the LA-San Andreas Quake of 1986 that rocked me right out of my cave and spilled me into the night.

I was thrown from my hole and discovered to my amazement - the electrifying lights of Los Angeles. I had never seen such a sight! There was no such thing as electricity when I went to sleep. The valley was brighter than the stars, above it and I wanted to explore. It was still night and I thought I could fly over the gleaming city without being seen. I launched myself into the night sky, but after the hibernation my wings were not pumping up to full strength. Before I could clear the Hollywood Hills, I was struck by a low bolt of lightening (or maybe I hit a high powered tension line, I’m foggy on this fact cuz’ I didn’t know what a high powered tension line was) and I crashed into the back yard of a human who was awake.

 I found out the human was a ‘ventriloquist’ because he was rehearsing his comedy act on his pool deck with a cowboy dummy, when the earthquake hit. I learned the name of the human was Ronn Lucas. He lived alone, WITH his puppets. Mr. Lucas and I exchanged a few pleasantries despite the fact he thought he was hallucinating and I told him that I was very hungry. He tried to stop me from eating his roses but he shut up when I sneezed a snot-ball of fire and lit his barbeque for him. After that, I went in and took over his house starting with his couch. Lucas did not own a big house but at least he had something fantastic called ‘cable.’

As a human entertainer, Ronn was a bit of a failure. That totally changed when I came along. He needed my help to take his career to the next level …Validated Parking! I was surprised to find that over the past 800 years the humans had stopped believing in Dragons. That was good news for me; but I still didn’t want to risk being discovered. I also didn’t want to reveal that the rest of my brother and sister Dragons were still sleeping. I cleverly proposed a “deal” to the human ventriloquist Ronn Lucas, to help me hide out until my wings healed.

 Here’s the deal I laid on him: I would pretend to be one of Ronn's dummies (making him look REALLY good). In exchange, he'd take me around and show to me this strange new techno-world (Hey, it was new to me!).  I felt that nobody would really notice me if they thought I was a puppet.  Ronn was clearly conflicted about my offer; he wasn't at-all-sure my plan would work but I sneezed again and incinerated his favorite recliner. Amazingly, Lucas achieved a sudden moment of great wisdom.  He immediately agreed to my proposal.  That’s how I came to be hooked up with a ventriloquist and a bunch of dummys.

…………………………………..

It’s been more than 20 years since I was bounced out of my cave by that earthquake.  Since we Dragons age so slowly, my wings are still healing.  No big deal. I know I’ll fly again.  Posing as one of Ronn's puppets has turned out to be a wonderful disguise, and great fun.  I get to hide in full view of the other humans! Ronn of course, is busy telling everyone some fabricated tale of how he came to manufacture such a magnificent puppet as me.  He claims he “made me.” Well fellow reptiles, now you know the truth. I made HIM! (Just don’t tell him I said this - he can be touchy about this fact).  Mr. Lucas is very lucky that I'm a teenager too, because teenagers know everything. Besides, there’s an old saying of my people: “NOBODY wakes a sleeping dragon without learning a thing or two … ”
Dude! Peace out!
 
Signed -

SCORCH
Dragon Son of The Royal House of Smogblartt.


Cowboy Buffalo Billy, Scorch the Teenaged Dragon, Chuck the Disposable Punk Rocker, as well as several other oddly fascinating characters, are all a part of “The Ronn Lucas Show” now playing at the Excalibur. Performances are daily at 1 p.m, dark Mondays. General admission is $29.95 plus tax and handling fees. VIP admission is $39.95 plus tax and handling fees.